I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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