my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
