I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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