Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
