I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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