this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
