My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pooping to opera.
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