She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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