I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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