im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
