There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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