Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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