Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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