Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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