Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you win again, gameday.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
