I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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