I could have mohawked her pubes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
