Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
