she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
