; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
