Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm getting married
To pizza
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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