cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
