Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
