I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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