so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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