laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
