dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
