I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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