He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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