rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
