I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
