I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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