dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
