I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
