I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
