There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
