Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
