I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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