im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
