my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
