Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
