Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dignity is for republicans.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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