i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Houston, we have a blender
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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