I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
