if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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