I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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