TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
