when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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