what day is it and did you see me today?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
