I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
